I can't remember where I first heard this sentence, but thinking about the feeling it gives me, it seems motivational. Similar to "a light boat has passed through countless mountains," but I'm not really into inspirational quotes. Accepting my mediocrity, being behind the times, and lacking ambition are all very normal things for me.
When this sentence appeared in my field of vision again, my first reaction was: this sentence is strange. Thinking back to the scene of standing on the coastline, there was only the sky, the horizon, and the sparkling water. I could feel whether it was warm in spring, but what about flowers?
I'm facing the sea, how can I see the blooming of spring?
I tried to understand the origin of this sentence and found that it seems to be the author's intention: "Facing the sea, spring blossoms, it's like a mirage."
I am also pursuing my own "mirage," but when I close my eyes and think back on the past 12 months, it's still a "mirage" for now. However, even though the "mirage" hasn't materialized, there is still some life in my barren desert.
I really like flipping through photos when doing year-end summaries because my memory is really bad. If I don't have notes or screenshots (even if I write them down, I sometimes forget...), I might not remember what someone just told me on the phone.
But at the same time, I'm not someone who particularly enjoys taking photos. Upon closer examination, no one really knows what I have done this year, what goals I have achieved, or what I have gained. Most of the time, I feel numb.
Because of my poor memory and difficulty controlling my emotional expressions, impressions of people are also subconsciously formed. Sometimes, when I realize that a relationship has deteriorated, it's hard to remember the specific moments that led to the problem, let alone find a breakthrough.
But I am someone who pays special attention to feelings, but only in the moment. For example, when designing a product, I try to polish the user experience at every stage from prototype to development, even the experience of the developers themselves. However, I rarely pay attention to the overall user experience throughout the lifecycle of the product (maybe except for a pop-up window asking if you want to give a five-star review 🤣).
I'm afraid of losing.
So now, maybe I've sealed social interactions in a tightly closed jar, thinking that there might be yeast entering and fermenting certain things, but in reality, it's probably already empty...
But occasionally, there are still things that can make me happy, like enjoying a bite of Angus beef alone:
The aroma of butter and beef fat mixed together, eating it alone in my seat, is a moment of happiness that I can easily obtain.
Or having a McDonald's breakfast in Hong Kong:
Although I ordered other items for breakfast, maybe I was too hungry and only paid attention to the latte art that came first. By the time I remembered, it was already in my stomach.
It's also thanks to my poor memory that when I'm in a long period of bad emotions, I can flip through the happy moments in my phone and remember who I was with, where I was, and what I was doing. Looking at it this way, it seems like I haven't had such a bad year.
It's just that I haven't accomplished much.
Maybe I experienced "helplessness" too early, so I have become adept at adopting an "I don't care" attitude towards things. But when something fails, I never take a photo to record it, nor do I have the habit of writing a diary to record it. Maybe it's because of this mindset that I have made it this far. If I can't finish something today, it's okay because I won't be able to finish it tomorrow either.
I'm not sure if there are any milestones in a person's life. Maybe it's because the development of things meets my expectations, or maybe I don't have to worry about whether I can afford material desires anymore, or maybe it's being able to leave work on time every day.
In his poem, the author of "Facing the sea, spring blossoms," Hai Zi, wrote: "Starting from tomorrow, be a happy person." In his most desperate moments, Hai Zi hoped for a happy tomorrow and wished others well. Maybe I will be the one looking forward to being a happy person tomorrow, but it doesn't seem like I will end my life on track.
Because I feel like I haven't done enough, haven't left a lasting impression on people. Maybe people will talk about me for a few days after I die, but next week, they will return to their own lives. There is no chance to make people stop. "Death is not the end, forgetting is." This is a viewpoint that I strongly agree with. I don't want it to end so soon.
But you might say that my life is really bad. I even despise the arrangements for my own birthday, and I haven't properly recorded my birthday for a long time. I haven't even moved the articles from the old blog written in 2020. It's really strange when I think about it. Why did it turn out like this? Or in work, I can miss two items on a list...
This year, there is no timeline because I can't find as many memorable moments. But I have created some small projects this year, even though they haven't been completed yet (I really procrastinated).
But last year, I didn't have any expectations for this year, but now I do:
Don't be a puppet controlled by others' emotions.
I wish you an happy person in 2024 in advance.